1 year

It's been an entire year since you've left us. I can still remember all of the good times that we shared together, but right now the only thoughts that come to mind are of how much I miss you, and how much I want you to be here. I still feel that it isn't fair what happened to you, and that you're gone. I still cry when I read about the accident or think about how you were all alone.
But I know the day will come when I will stop crying, or I won't cry as hard. But I still miss you, I always will, and I love you.

You got it babe

The worst feeling in life is knowing that you didn't give every thing your all. I can say that as a fact. I can see myself in 10 years looking back on my life wishing I had done things better or worked harder. However, life shouldn't be about regret. One important aspect of life is knowing that the time you spent on earth was worth while and meaningful.
Everyone has done it. Everyone has had those moments when they looked back on the decisions they've made and wondered if they really were right; whether that be for a moment in time or for the future. You think to yourself, "Is this really what I want?" or "Is this really what's best?" I thought the same thing on April 13th when I almost made a decision that I knew I would have regret forever.
And its amazing because all this time I thought that the decisions I would have to make would be made on my own. But a relationship that is adamant on pursuing growth and learning and loving requires decisions to be made together, it's anything but a one-person thing. In the past few months I have done that. I've met someone who I have grown with and learned with and shared things with (I'm getting to the other part :)). I'm very happy. So happy that I'm sitting here typing this composed blogg when really all I want to do is sit here and smile in bliss. But I hope that regardless of the doubt that we all may live with, just take comfort in knowing that it's already taken care of and you will be fine, just fine.

Ice-cream and cookies

I'm not a chooser. I do not enjoy having to choose between two things that are good. I would rather have to choose between liver and lasagna. It's like choosing between Mrs. Fields chocolate chocolate cookies and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. If I had it my way, I'd scoop the ice cream and have a bit of Mrs. Fields on top you know, to satisfy all 3 of us.
That's exactly who I've become. Exactly.
I remember vowing to myself, to never ever become that person. And now I'm stuck in a rut. I'm pretty sure if I decided to remove all of the cookie dough from the ice cream it wouldn't seem as appealing, it'd just be vanilla. And I'm sure that if Mrs. Fields cookies weren't as moist and scrumptious they'd taste the same as all of those other boxed cookies. But I can't do that, and I won't pick and choose.


You are who you are. I am who I am. You are who you are.
--------------------- I am who I am. ---------------------

That's what it's looking like right now..

Endgame

Recently, I've been learning how to be me, with you and with her and with him, and them and him and her. What prompted this was the end of the school year. As sad as it is, we all know that the closer you get to the end, the more everything is packed with meaning.

Still, I remember the last time I talked to you, and told you I would see you when I got back. So clearly, I remember you driving me an hour to go to your favourite Mandarin restaurant even though it was on a school night. I remember that whenever we went to Harvey's you ordered an original Hamburger with onions and tomatoes, a senior coffee and a side order of milk, and you used to spill it all over the table. Then me, Leah and grandma would make smart comments about your smart mouth and how we didn't want sugar on what you called "fish cakes" even though they were obviously "potato pancakes."I remember every Christmas and every birthday and what was inside every envelope that you gave me marked Miss Dani Grant from Alvin Hoops. I remember you only feasting on potatoes every Christmas and I remember when I told you to stop smoking because it was bad for you. And after that, I remember grandma putting that red sticky on her door that said no smoking even though you'd already quit. I remember being proud of you for doing that even though you'd sit outside with Uncle Brian say "I've just come outside to smell the smoke, not to smoke the smoke. I promise." I remember every one of your grunts and laughs and that yucky handkerchief that you kept in your pocket. I remember. I remember everything and every moment, and I will remember and I choose not to forget even though the end came, and became the endgame.

So the end is not the end, its just a pause, or a semicolon, or a way for me not to forget, but for me to always remember.

Fairy Tales

"But I want you to know, even when things are at its worst between us, please don't give up on what we have."

These days it seems like it came straight from the big screen.

Whatever you say Danny Boy.

2 in 1

Pt I: Memories
I was on the 117 today minding my own until I saw you. And when I saw him I couldn't help but be happy because I thought you were gone forever. But God and his goodness, gave me one more chance to say goodbye because he knows how much I miss him and how much I need him to know that I love him and care about him. I know that you loved us and thought of us as your own because that's what you told others. I just really miss you. It's hard not knowing that you're not here. I haven't heard anything back from you but please God just this one favour.

Pt II: It is what it is, but it ended as a soap opera.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stop crying, but I care too much about you.

And it’s just so hard now because I know what we had was real, and just as I had imagined them to be: the feelings were genuine and mutual and romantic and just everything good.

I’m almost certain that what happened was one of the most adult things I’ve done since I have been here. It was the hardest, and like God tells his children, he does things that we may not understand. Regardless of if I understand or not, I will try not to be selfish and think of myself. I’m going to try my best to see the best out of this sad situation. And I will grow, and so will you, and we will learn new things—although not together.

It's so crazy how things change in the matter of a few days.

Please, if you can

I remember praying in that hospital room and asking for your will. I remember pleading with you for one more chance at life and I recall crying so much that I couldn’t pray out loud, so I prayed in my heart instead.
Like always, I received your will, not mine. I knew you had power to do the unthinkable: a miracle, but he slipped away, just as it was to happen.
And now I’m sad because he isn’t here anymore and I am. He’s supposed to be here. He was supposed to be here until I was gone because that’s how it all went in my head.

Once again, it’s your will and not mine. However, until I understand what happened I need to be sad for a bit. I’ll try my best to take comfort in knowing that you know best and have chosen to follow through with your will.

You are just so good to me through all of this. You have provided me with comfort in my friends and family, and I am so grateful for that. Thank you. But please God, take care of him. And if there is any chance that you change your mind, let me know.